Sitting in my hostel room in Hua Hin right now as I write this and the rain is pouring down like crazy. When I last wrote, I had just finished a cooking course in Kanchanaburi and the weather was still sweltering hot. How quickly the weather can change in Thailand! That night, there was a monsoon of epic proportions, the most rain I have witnessed in years and that is saying something coming from Vancouver! We sat out on our porch at VN Guesthouse, stranded but happy to have some time to contemplate a little and think about the past and the future...
My thoughts these days keep coming back to Israel. The first time I went to the country, it was on a program that suspended reality for 10 days and gave my brother and me the opportunity to see all the famous historical sites and do a bunch of fun activities, but not really absorb the real culture of Israel. We were surrounded by other Canadians the entirety of the trip and were not exposed to any Hebrew or daily interactions with Israelis, only those who make up the tourist industry and the program of Oranim. That is one of the reasons I wanted to return so badly when I got back. I had a taste and knew I liked the flavour, almost like an Israel amuse-bouche, but I wanted the main course!
And so I applied almost immediately when I returned home for a full five-month program with Oranim and was told to wait until closer to the date. For months I counted down the days till I could apply, and my feelings about Israel didn’t dissipate, they only grew stronger. Once accepted to the program, my plan for a year abroad materialized and I had a wonderful adventure to look forward to and work towards, a reward after so many years of hard work and nights spent in a dimly lit library...
Once in Israel again, the first month was full of splendour and new friendships formed with both my group and the previous one. I began to learn Hebrew, saw my family and was part of a cousin’s wedding, and of course became an English teacher and started making an impact on my students’ lives. Two more months passed, and life became a little too much of a routine. I questioned my choice some days as things got stale, the students took advantage of us at school, and my roommates became a little hard to handle. I wondered once again whether I was getting the “real” Israel experience because I spent so much time around Americans, Canadians, and Brits. My interactions with Israelis, aside from my coordinators and students, were limited. I isolated myself at times from the group and chose to focus my energy on planning for Thailand and Malaysia, the South East Asia adventure on my horizon...
But then the last six weeks happened. A new group arrived and my Israel was revitalized. I found myself acting as a tour guide for the new group in Ashdod, exploring the country more and capturing a new fervour for daily life. I made some of my best friends so far in the last six weeks, was going out on nearly a daily basis, and began to realize how much I was going to miss this new routine once I left. My problems with the social aspect of the program the first three and a half months seemed like they never existed. I redeveloped an interest in playing guitar and singing, I had a blast sitting around laughing with my roommates, cooking delicious food, smoking hookah and simply enjoying life. My students started to realize we were leaving and chose to focus all their energy on learning, and I saw the results in their English. I began to worry about leaving but I kept saying to myself, “You have a whole new adventure in Thailand to look forward to with two of your best friends from the program.” This mantra I repeated frequently and I managed for the most part to stave off feelings of hopelessness and loss of control at my fast-approaching departure...
Now I’m in Thailand and life is fast-paced here. My first week was so full of new experiences and adventures that I barely had time to reminisce about the life I left behind in Israel. But the rain setting in has caused our plans to alter and has spurred a plethora of swirling emotions. My heart yearns to be back in Israel whenever I lie down at night and hear the drops falling down from the drainpipe. Granted, it has only been two weeks since I left and so these feelings might pass, but at this point they are so strong that I am checking flights back to Israel after South East Asia, to see off the group of people who became my best friends over there, to see new members of my family (I have another baby cousin on the way), and to really discover the “real” Israel because I still don’t quite know it. Although I spent five months there this time around, I was part of another program, and right now I don’t know if this hole in my heart is from missing the country or from missing the people. I know it is a mix but the question is which do I miss more?
To all you reading, I know you must think I am acting spoiled and ungrateful. I am incredibly fortunate to be in Thailand right now experiencing the things I am experiencing. Not everyone gets the chance to travel without having to worry too much about a budget and leave financial worries for later. However, everyone gets homesick and I now truly feel I have two homes: Canada and Israel. I can only try to focus on the present for now and try to keep myself busy to suffocate these feelings of longing. But when I go to sleep at night, I will dream of both my families.
Ciao for now,
Max
P.S. As always, keep guessing what song my blog title is derived from!
No comments:
Post a Comment